‘Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy’

HL Mencken, Aphorisms

‘Sex is one of the most wholesome, spiritual and natural things money can buy. And like all games, it becomes more interesting when played for money.’

Sebastian Horsley, The Brothel-Creeper

‘Prostitutes are like public toilets. On the one hand, they provide a useful service to the public. On the other, they are dirty and unhygienic, and one always somehow feels in danger of catching a disease when inside one.’

VEL – The Contemporary Heretic

I have never been able to understand why whores and prostitutes have invariably maligned as sinful and immoral.

Given that the Oxford English Dictionary defines the word “nice” as meaning “giving pleasure or satisfaction”, then surely the ‘nice girl’ is not the girl who, as  the current usage of this phrase typically connotes, refuses to perform oral copulation on the first date, but rather the girl who willingly does so with multiple partners on every night of the week. After all, it is the latter girl who surely gives considerably more ‘pleasure and satisfaction’ than the former.

According to the precepts of utilitarianism, the theory of normative ethics championed by such eminent luminaries as Bentham, Mill and, most recently, Peter Singer, the moral worth of an action is to be determined by the extent to which it contributes to the overall happiness of mankind. On this view, the ultimate determinant of the morality of a given behaviour is the extent to which it promotes (to adopt Bentham’s memorable formulation) ‘the Greatest Happiness to the Greatest Number’.

Well, surely, this is precisely what whores and other indiscriminately promiscuous women do. Prostitutes, for example, over the course of their careers, can give pleasure and happiness to literally thousands of men.

Some crack-whores suck a couple of dozen dicks a day minimum. That’s what I call giving the greatest happiness to the greatest number. If that’s not maximising utility, I don’t know what is!

(Much is made of the scourge of drugs such as heroin and crack cocaine on lives, families, communities as well as society as a whole. But, on the plus side, they do help drive down the cost of a blowjob – Good news for the consumer!)

In utilitarian terms, therefore, rather than condemned as immoral for their behaviour, whores ought to be lauded as the highest paradigm of moral virtue – right up alongside Mother Teresa.

After all, Mother Teresa might have selflessly dedicated her entire live to helping, healing, feeding and caring for the poor and destitute – but she never sucked their cocks, did she?